The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Oct. 6-13)

Toddlers be like, "excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 12, 2023

My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, “Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when they’re grown up,” and that about sums up being married with kids.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 12, 2023

My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”

She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP

— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023

like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo’s books as “the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose” and she died laughing and was like no it’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes “remember you made a mistake and said baby moose” like can i live

— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 8, 2023

I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.

— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023

This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023

When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids won’t answer my parents’ questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents can’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 12, 2023

My friend and I discussing what seafood we like:

Me: I don't like lobster or crab

My 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like...starfish.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 12, 2023

Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.

My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”

— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023

On the ride home from school my 6 year old and I were chatting about his day when he said, “well if you don’t mind I’m going to make a really cool paper airplane right now so if you could not talk that would be nice.” Which is my new favorite way to end conversations.

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) October 11, 2023

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 11, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

What normal people ask a pregnant person: Are you excited? What are you having?

What I ask a pregnant person: Have you had the butt hole spasms yet?

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 10, 2023

Must’ve missed that part in the parenting book that said you’d be digging through last night’s trash for your son’s retainer.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 12, 2023

Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things she’s called me about:
-saw a cool bug
-made up a new song
-can we have ribs for dinner
-how do you spell suspicious

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2023

All dads: let's buy these $5 pumpkins at Walmart and save money and everyone's happy.

All wives: no I'd rather buy 2 pumpkins for $376 at the pumpkin patch and yell at the kids for 2 hours trying to take cute pictures and then everyone goes home mad and crying.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 8, 2023

8: Mommy

Me: yes

8: Make eye contact please so I know you’re listening

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 10, 2023

Friday the 13th has got nothing on parents who’re dealing with 3rd grade math homework

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 13, 2023

Have the kids put away the groceries so you can play hide and seek with your own food for a week.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 12, 2023

I’m glad my parents didn’t have a social media platform to tell everyone what a little shit I was

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 9, 2023