"Really love thumping a dog's side to see if they are hollow."

"Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there."

"I cant wait to make my small zit less noticeable by digging a large and horrific wound into my face."

"Who called it contractions and not birthquakes?"

"Gonna start taking my dog on first dates bc what’s the point of wasting time on a guy that she doesn’t like."

"My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree."