"Toddlers be like, 'Excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt.'"
"My kid is asking me questions like 'what is ethics,' and I just want to rewind to the 'do mermaids know what pants are' stage because it was easier."
"My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli."
"I’m not saying parenting is hard. I’m just saying I was a lot better at it before I had kids."
"On my son’s birthday each year, I like to think back to 2017 when Carvel wrote 'Happy 2th Birthday' on his cake"
"My five year old keeps asking about our plans 'over the holidays.' By 'the holidays' she's referring to her birthday next month."
"My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children"
"Why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco."
"The day my toddler started asking 'what’s that?' was the day I realized how little I know about everything."
"The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that"
