My wife, ladies and gentlemen pic.twitter.com/dH66tWoeYe
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 16, 2020
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
Me:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2020
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up....
10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) July 31, 2020
Him: Do you sleep with a fan?
— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020
Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it
I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2020
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) August 28, 2020
ME: wait... your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) August 19, 2020
Wife: I made a cake.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020
Me: What's the occasion?
Wife: I wanted cake.
The best occasion of all.
My wife got a Yankee Candle coupon and I’m not sure if we can afford to save this much money.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 9, 2020
[on my deathbed]
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) September 2, 2020
Me: *motioning for my wife to come closer* ᴬᴿᴱ ʸᴼᵁ ˢᵁᴿᴱ ᴵ ᴸᴼᶜᴷᴱᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᶜᴬᴿ
My wife and I are to the point where all I have to do is text her "Hey" and she'll text back "They're on the dresser."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 14, 2020
Me: happy anniversary!
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 6, 2020
Wife: *eyes narrow*
Me: what
Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn't say that every morning just in case
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020
ME: *blows out my birthday candles
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 6, 2020
WIFE: Did you make a wish?
ME: Yes I did.
WIFE: *sighs* Did you wish that squirrels could roar like lions, again?
ME: Yes I did.
Wife: What are you wearing?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020
Me: I wanted to make a statement.
Wife: Was that statement "I don't know how to dress myself?"
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) September 1, 2020
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) September 11, 2020
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready
